in a rush.

Current Mood: In high spirits
Listening to: Can I Have this Dance by Zac Efron & Vanessa Hudgens

Mornings are usually the best part of the day for me. Seeing the skies change color from a dark hue to an infinite blaze of orange and eventually to pure and clear blue is something of a miracle. And now with the yuletide breeze, Christmas bells and bibingka aroma to fill our senses, one just can’t get enough.

Just a few minutes ago, I came home with a big smile plastered on my face. I got to listen to the gospel well enough. Early on, I was already enlightened and inspired. But things just got even better when I saw my long-time crush. That really did it. My spirit’s on fire.

Now I’m sipping my hot choco with my little niece reading every single word I type on this computer. So much for privacy, eh? Catch up with you later. Still have hip hop abs session with my cuz. We badly need it now. Haha!

xoxo, Yan

one tough cookie.

Current mood: carefree
Listening to: Full Moon by The Black Ghosts

I'm having the time of my life right now. Spending lazy days at home again, what more can I ask for?

Yeah right. As if I can just swallow it all in and pretend like I got nothing to worry about. The truth is, I'm quite unstable nowadays. One minute I'm quiet and serene, next thing I know I'm trembling like a bomb waiting to explode. The cause of all this? Waiting for the IELTS results! It has taken a considerable amount of my reveries these past few days. Just imagining what the outcome would be is practically exhausting. I can't eat, sleep or even think straight. I'm getting burned up by all the negativity and pessimism.

I'm downright scared to hear the news for myself. It wasn't easy. I had a hard time putting up with all the tasks. It was like a hurdle with uncertainties as parameters. I thought I was skilled enough, smart enough, brave enough but none of them equated to how or what the test demanded. I was way over my head. The only thing that keeps me going right now is the firm support and prayers from my family and friends. Their strength ignites some kind of spark that enables me to traverse in this darkness. I hope I can make it. It would be the perfect gift this christmas if I could pass the exam.

I'm really trying to hold myself together but whenever I replay those scenes in my head, I keep falling apart. I've never been unsure and unconfident of myself than I am now. It's heartbreaking and leaves my soul fragile enough to be torn to pieces.

Still, in spite of all skepticism and doubt, there's still one thing more powerful than any other force in the universe - FAITH. Knowing that God’s there to protect and carry me through it all is enough for me to wake up each morning and smile at what the world throws at me. In the face of fear and hopelessness, I can be a brave and mighty warrior.

Lesson: Life is tough, but I can be tougher.

xoxo, Yan

reign of the blood suckers.

Current Mood: hungry
Listening to: Supermassive Black Hole by Muse

It's a new start for me in this blog. I'm hoping I can find time to transfer all my entries here after my IELTS exam. Just to keep you updated, here's a quick taste of my life so far...

I HEART TWILIGHT

I watched the film on its opening day - November 26th. I was tempted to skip my review class that day just to be able to watch on the first hour. How childish was that, right? Luckily, we were dismissed earlier that time. Due to my ecstasy, I even bought my pals a box of brownies, which by the way, didn't make its way through my stomach for I was too engrossed in the movie. I was way too consumed to care. I was excited and anxious at the same time, I didn't have time to actually monitor what I was feeling. I was so immersed in the reality that I was actually watching my favorite book come to life.

Minutes into the movie made me feel like I was on cloud nine. I don't know with the other Twilight fans, but me? I couldn’t have asked for more. Well yeah, it wasn’t as good as the books. It wasn’t perfect, but it was amazing. There was just a feel to it that the audience would find invigorating, making you want to watch it over and over again. I’m happy they didn’t go overboard with the production. There were times that they changed the scenes entirely but I understood. It was difficult to fit all the important parts in a two-hour film, but still, it was able to capture the essence of the story. The characters were genuinely portrayed, kinda felt like they were the real thing. There couldn’t have been more perfect Edward & Bella than how Rob and Kristen played them. The spark and intense chemistry was definitely there. I finished watching the film smirking like an idiot. I really wanted to watch it again but my friends had their dose for the day. Lucky for me, I have the downloaded version which I got from a co-Twilighter. It isn’t high-quality but it would do for now. Now I can watch it anytime I want, rewind my favorite parts to my convenience. Haha!

Technically, I’m in love with the books, with the movie, with everything Twilight. I mean, I can watch & read it over and over again and still crave for more. It’s practically the best love story ever written. And now with the movie to accompany my fantasies, I can’t help but love it, more than ever.

xoxo, Yan

P.S.

I'll tell you more of my IELTS experience soon!

here's a piece of truth.

Just when you thought you had me all figured out, you haven’t.

Here’s my darkness.

I’m a self-confessed EMO chick, though I don’t look like one. I take things differently than most people and I cry for the strangest reasons.

I’m a runner. When things don’t go the way I want them to, I step back and turn the other direction. I'm never brave enough to face my weaknesses and my fears always catch up with me.

I’m a coward. I don’t take criticisms well and I hide behind my insecurities. I'm just too intimidated that I don’t get to show the world what I’m capable of. Oftentimes, it’s just the second-rate version of myself because I feel like I will never be good enough.

I’m a hypocrite. I have this thing with the truth. It’s one of the things that scare the hell out of me so I try to escape it. In the long run, I think I’ve grown addicted to saying white lies instead. Worse, I’ve gotten better at hurting people I care for along the way.

I’m a scapegoat. It’s my best asset so far. There are times that I hold back even if I have so much to offer. I allow myself to be pushed around because I’m afraid to let them see right through me. I only say things that society wants to hear. I only do things that society wants to see. I strive to be accepted.

But here’s my light.

I’m simple. I’m actually just a low-maintenance “shirt-jeans-chucks” type of girl. I don’t go for go for things that I’m not comfortable with. Oftentimes, I’m just more of a trend-follower than a trend-setter.

I’m traditional. My faith and family always come first. I stick to the rules and I stand up for what I think is right. I resist change because I don’t like going out of my comfort zone.

I’m a writer. Writing equals life. It’s my passion, my only refuge when life throws the worst rocks at me. I try as much as I can to bring my world into paper – my thoughts, feelings and the principles I believe in because this is the only way I know best to make a difference in the world.

I’m an artist. I often give in to my wild, eccentric thoughts. I see the world in a completely different perspective than most people my age. There are moments that I can be very judgmental and I tend to overlook possibilities but I always try to give things the benefit of the doubt.

I’m a believer. I believe in the goodness of people, that in the midst of the pandemonium in the world, we will still able to experience human nature at its purest. I believe in fate, in the reality that everything happens for a reason. I believe that true love still exists, as impossible as it may seem, and that I’ll have my chance at it someday. I believe in the existence of soulmates, that somewhere in the vastness of the universe, there will only be ONE person to make me whole.

I’m a dreamer. I live for the moment. If I’m good at something, I try to be perfect in every sense. I can be really passionate about things so I strive hard to get them. But actually, what I really want in life are just simple: love, peace and eternal happiness.

I may be unique in some ways but most of the time, I'm just like everyone else - a person who’s trying to find her place in this world.

This is who I am - heart and soul.