for over a year i've been in hiding. i hid from you, from the rest of the world and most especially, from myself. and now, i present to you a gift.
this is the new me - resurrected.
i miss writing, so i guess i'll be doing a lot of this for a while.
i miss sharing, so i guess you'll be getting bits and pieces of my immortality - my words, soon.
i miss being me, so i guess that's about it.
see if you can keep up.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Saturday, November 21, 2009
ripped.
Current Mood: Sleepy
Listening to: Don’t Trust Me by 3oh!3
There are two sides to my psyche.
One that’s vibrant and fun and full of life.
Then there’s a part of me that’s dark and twisty and angry.
Most of the time, I find it hard coming to terms with my own self. Like I’m this two separate beings. Like I’m disconnected from my soul, from all of it. I feel so… lost. Take into consideration my two blogs. I mean, who in their sane minds would categorize their feelings, right? I am just so out of this world. I can’t wait for the day when I can actually be a whole person.
Listening to: Don’t Trust Me by 3oh!3
There are two sides to my psyche.
One that’s vibrant and fun and full of life.
Then there’s a part of me that’s dark and twisty and angry.
Most of the time, I find it hard coming to terms with my own self. Like I’m this two separate beings. Like I’m disconnected from my soul, from all of it. I feel so… lost. Take into consideration my two blogs. I mean, who in their sane minds would categorize their feelings, right? I am just so out of this world. I can’t wait for the day when I can actually be a whole person.
xoxo.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Back from lockdown.
Current Mood: adrenaline-pumped
Listening to: Believe by All American Rejects
Ever felt like you’re supposed to move forward but can’t? Like your feet feels suddenly glued and don’t respond to what your brain tells them? Or worse, like they’re not there at all? Phantom.
You’re stuck. And the people around you keeps moving, faster and faster, never stopping. You want to keep up but you can’t. Everything’s spinning so fast and you’re in the middle of it all. You’re motionless, but you can’t seem to catch your breath.
This was me in the past six months.
I was quite wandering off the point and there was no clear road for me. I was suffocated by all the things in my life so I took a little time off for myself; which meant no social networking or blogging, so I can focus on dealing with things without overanalyzing them. (I tend to overanalyze when I post my thoughts online). But mostly so that I can focus on my NCLEX exams. (Who was I kidding? Haha. So not funny. I really hope I pass).
Well anyway, the break’s over. I can breathe better now. Things seem to pick up and the future is hell of a view from where I stand. I know I’ll get through it.
I kind of left things hanging from that last time I blogged. I never even got to write about our batch’s last hurrah last March. It was a blast! Oh well, let the pictures do the talking. (Check out my Friendster account). So far, my Facebook page is kinda bare…tasteless…as of the moment. I’ll get to it soon though. Everybody’s an enthusiast about all these kinds of stuff like Mafia Wars, Resto City, Farmtown (whatev) and I feel so lost. But I’ll learn playing them. Eventually.
So here’s the thing. Even without blogging, did you seriously think I’d stopped writing? Duh. I can’t help it. Dude, it’s my fate we’re talking here. I’m positive I was a writer even in a thousand lifetimes I had in the past. So I’m just gonna post some of my entries which I hopelessly typed in my phone in a desperate need to capture my thoughts. God, I had to endure a painstaking way of using my phone’s keypads.
So this was me, in the past 6 months. Well, a portion of me, that is.
XOXO.
Listening to: Believe by All American Rejects
Ever felt like you’re supposed to move forward but can’t? Like your feet feels suddenly glued and don’t respond to what your brain tells them? Or worse, like they’re not there at all? Phantom.
You’re stuck. And the people around you keeps moving, faster and faster, never stopping. You want to keep up but you can’t. Everything’s spinning so fast and you’re in the middle of it all. You’re motionless, but you can’t seem to catch your breath.
This was me in the past six months.
I was quite wandering off the point and there was no clear road for me. I was suffocated by all the things in my life so I took a little time off for myself; which meant no social networking or blogging, so I can focus on dealing with things without overanalyzing them. (I tend to overanalyze when I post my thoughts online). But mostly so that I can focus on my NCLEX exams. (Who was I kidding? Haha. So not funny. I really hope I pass).
Well anyway, the break’s over. I can breathe better now. Things seem to pick up and the future is hell of a view from where I stand. I know I’ll get through it.
I kind of left things hanging from that last time I blogged. I never even got to write about our batch’s last hurrah last March. It was a blast! Oh well, let the pictures do the talking. (Check out my Friendster account). So far, my Facebook page is kinda bare…tasteless…as of the moment. I’ll get to it soon though. Everybody’s an enthusiast about all these kinds of stuff like Mafia Wars, Resto City, Farmtown (whatev) and I feel so lost. But I’ll learn playing them. Eventually.
So here’s the thing. Even without blogging, did you seriously think I’d stopped writing? Duh. I can’t help it. Dude, it’s my fate we’re talking here. I’m positive I was a writer even in a thousand lifetimes I had in the past. So I’m just gonna post some of my entries which I hopelessly typed in my phone in a desperate need to capture my thoughts. God, I had to endure a painstaking way of using my phone’s keypads.
So this was me, in the past 6 months. Well, a portion of me, that is.
XOXO.
Entry 001:
Masochist. That’s who I am lately. But then again, I guess that’s what I’ve always been. It’s my nature to inflict pain on myself, hoping to get a sense of purpose out of it; hoping it would take away the guilt, and eventually liberate myself from the burden of having too much, of feeling too much. That if I can just have all the grief and heartache now, I may have a chance at happiness beyond my wildest dreams.
Entry 002:
My life is a series of dead-ends, a bizarre roadmap waiting to be figured out. Am I on the right track? Do I need a detour? Will I ever make it out alive?
At this point, I think I’ve lost my way, but I know I could never go back. Not now, not ever. I just have to keep moving, keep running, keep living.
Entry 003:
I can’t wait to get out of here. I’ve always lived for others. Now it’s my turn to live for myself – by my own standards, by my own rules. There’s so much out there. It’s a party waiting to happen and I’m just an inch away. I could almost taste it.
Entry 004:
My love for you is like an ocean, boundless and deep. No matter how hard I try to sail across the water, I could never get myself to reach the shore.
Entry 005:
“The truth hurts, and lies worse.” – Broken Strings
I say it’s the other way around. Why lie, when the truth didn’t hurt that much in the first place?
Entry 006:
When you really like someone, your heart can no longer take the pressure to feel anything else. You’re trapped and the only way to feel relief is when you’re able to share that pressure with the person whom your heart beats for. Otherwise, the heaviness of it all will consume you and eat you alive. Tsk. Tsk. The tragedy of unrequited love.
Entry 007:
How can you tell if you’re able to move beyond the fear? Is one moment enough to measure one’s bravery? How about if there are more to move past against and you lose some battles along the way? How then could you measure up?
Entry 008:
So what if I send quotes all day?
So what if it’s a way to kill time?
So what if I have nothing better to do?
So what if it’s the only way to feel that I’m not alone?
Entry 009:
Not always can I just sleep this off. Most of the time, when it’s all dark and silent, it’s me and the hundred more thoughts I’m dying to escape from. I wish for someone to hold my hand, and to whisper sweet words in my ear until I fall asleep.
Entry 010:
Doing the right thing doesn’t always make you happy. So do yourself a favor. Compromise. Find the middle ground. Meet halfway. Only then can both versions of yourself go home satisfied.
Entry 011:
I’m tired of trying. It’s never going to be enough. I’m never going to be enough. I always end up burned. And wounded. And hurt. And more broken than ever.
Entry 012:
It’s always hard to get past the pain, even if you tell yourself that it’s not, and that it’s going to be okay. It just hurts so bad that when you try to hope again, the wound cuts even deeper and leaves you more confused than ever. Everything comes crashing down, the world gets darker than it was and you can only wish against all odds that if you can finally learn to accept and wrap your heart around it, you won’t have to suffer the same fate twice.
But let’s face it. Not all of us are that lucky.
Entry 013:
For once, listen to yourself. You’ll never know what you’ll hear.
Entry 014:
Masochist. That’s who I am lately. But then again, I guess that’s what I’ve always been. It’s my nature to inflict pain on myself, hoping to get a sense of purpose out of it; hoping it would take away the guilt, and eventually liberate myself from the burden of having too much, of feeling too much. That if I can just have all the grief and heartache now, I may have a chance at happiness beyond my wildest dreams.
Entry 002:
My life is a series of dead-ends, a bizarre roadmap waiting to be figured out. Am I on the right track? Do I need a detour? Will I ever make it out alive?
At this point, I think I’ve lost my way, but I know I could never go back. Not now, not ever. I just have to keep moving, keep running, keep living.
Entry 003:
I can’t wait to get out of here. I’ve always lived for others. Now it’s my turn to live for myself – by my own standards, by my own rules. There’s so much out there. It’s a party waiting to happen and I’m just an inch away. I could almost taste it.
Entry 004:
My love for you is like an ocean, boundless and deep. No matter how hard I try to sail across the water, I could never get myself to reach the shore.
Entry 005:
“The truth hurts, and lies worse.” – Broken Strings
I say it’s the other way around. Why lie, when the truth didn’t hurt that much in the first place?
Entry 006:
When you really like someone, your heart can no longer take the pressure to feel anything else. You’re trapped and the only way to feel relief is when you’re able to share that pressure with the person whom your heart beats for. Otherwise, the heaviness of it all will consume you and eat you alive. Tsk. Tsk. The tragedy of unrequited love.
Entry 007:
How can you tell if you’re able to move beyond the fear? Is one moment enough to measure one’s bravery? How about if there are more to move past against and you lose some battles along the way? How then could you measure up?
Entry 008:
So what if I send quotes all day?
So what if it’s a way to kill time?
So what if I have nothing better to do?
So what if it’s the only way to feel that I’m not alone?
Entry 009:
Not always can I just sleep this off. Most of the time, when it’s all dark and silent, it’s me and the hundred more thoughts I’m dying to escape from. I wish for someone to hold my hand, and to whisper sweet words in my ear until I fall asleep.
Entry 010:
Doing the right thing doesn’t always make you happy. So do yourself a favor. Compromise. Find the middle ground. Meet halfway. Only then can both versions of yourself go home satisfied.
Entry 011:
I’m tired of trying. It’s never going to be enough. I’m never going to be enough. I always end up burned. And wounded. And hurt. And more broken than ever.
Entry 012:
It’s always hard to get past the pain, even if you tell yourself that it’s not, and that it’s going to be okay. It just hurts so bad that when you try to hope again, the wound cuts even deeper and leaves you more confused than ever. Everything comes crashing down, the world gets darker than it was and you can only wish against all odds that if you can finally learn to accept and wrap your heart around it, you won’t have to suffer the same fate twice.
But let’s face it. Not all of us are that lucky.
Entry 013:
For once, listen to yourself. You’ll never know what you’ll hear.
Entry 014:
Why do we keep losing things? Or people? Or chances? So that we can see the beauty in finding them again.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
can i be florence nightingale?
I realized one thing today. Maybe it’s love after all. Maybe I love Nursing too much that I’m scared to commit any mistake, to do something that can take away my freedom to save other people’s lives. Heck! I’ve been so involved in this internal battle for years that I forgot to notice that it has already been won. You see, I always found myself becoming someone who would dedicate her life in bringing the truth in the open; or at least write about it, be associated with the media or something. But I never imagined being an agent of truth myself – in a caring, nurturing kind of way which is Nursing. Years in Nursing school certainly brought out the worst and best in me. I’ve actually came to a point where I regretted everything that I have worked hard for. Yet the love that I never acknowledged until now made everything worthwhile.
I’m sure that whatever happens after this, I will still be happy with the choice I made, coz after all that’s been said and done, the difference I made and the things I did that touched other people’s lives are beyond any sense of fulfillment in this world.
what i get from reading vampire stories.
I just finished reading the Twilight series. True enough, I guess it’s better to find yourself living in a fantasy rather than having to wake up and realize you’re still living in the real world. Compared to the “new kind of haven” I’ve just been through, I feel like their lives are a million times better than mine, even for the danger and complexity of it all. It’s a pity that I won’t ever get to experience the same kind of adventure in this lifetime. For sure it would have made a different person out of me. Perhaps not greater than the person I am now, but at least, different.
Originally posted: September 9, 2008
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)